Coherence and Cohesion Revision

BEFORE:

I will never forget the first time I was captivated by a song. I was twelve years old, frustrated with the world around me. Passionate for the pursuit of knowledge, I could not connect with my peers because they did not receive the same amount of satisfaction from learning. Discouraged, I ostracized myself from my surroundings because I could not cope with the world.

One day in the midst of my seclusion, I watched a silent movie that used background music to convey the words, actions, and emotions of the various characters. Throughout the movie, I experienced intense physiological reactions that invigorated my being. I could not look away from the screen; I was consumed by the movie.

Afterwards, I realized that the underlying music of the movie was the catalyst of my reaction. The music brought me so much pleasure that I forgot about my frustration; I became lost in the wonder of music. I was no longer disappointed because I had found my sanctuary from the world around me.

While my self-reliance taught me many things, economics showed me the need to work together. The cooperation of separate entities brings about advances in the quality of life that would not be possible by individual effort. Thus, I wish to become a songwriter someday so that I can attempt to captivate others in the mystery of music and enhance their quality of life.

Well, that's a nice notion, but how does one captivate others and enhance their quality of life through songwriting? As an outsider to the songwriting culture, I am unaware of the processes and techniques songwriters use to write songs. Although the previous statement is true, I studied the classical, baroque, and romantic styles of music in elementary, middle, and high school. Interested by the mystique of music, I leaped at the chance to play in a jazz band which taught me how to improvise and analyze musical styles. Improvisation led me to composition because it made me cognizant of the structure of a song, the importance of dynamics, and complex music theory. I may be an outsider, but I am aware of some of the rules.

One may think that I already know how to write songs and my study of the songwriting culture is unnecessary; I disagree completely. As previously mentioned, cooperation with others brings about insights that would not be possible through individual effort. Thus, I hope my study of songwriters at Belmont University will produce a greater understanding of the songwriting process, writer’s block, and the captivating nature of songs.

AFTER:

I will never forget the first time I was captivated by a song. I was twelve years old, frustrated with the world around me. While I was passionate for the pursuit of knowledge, my peers did not receive the same amount of satisfaction from learning. Discouraged, I ostracized myself from my surroundings because I could not cope with the world.

One day in the midst of my seclusion, I watched a silent movie that used background music to convey the words, actions, and emotions of the various characters. The music created intense physiological reactions that invigorated my being. I could not look away from the screen; I was consumed by the movie.

It was only afterwards that I realized that the movie's underlying music was the catalyst of my reaction. The music brought me so much pleasure that I forgot about my frustration; I became lost in the wonder of music. I was no longer disappointed because I had found my sanctuary. Thus, I wish to become a songwriter someday so that I can attempt to captivate others in the mystery of music and provide refuge to troubled souls.

As an outsider to the songwriting culture, I am unaware of the processes and techniques songwriters use to write songs. Although the previous statement is true, I studied the classical, baroque, and romantic styles of music in elementary, middle, and high school. Interested by the mystique of music, I leaped at the chance to play in a jazz band and, as a result, learned how to analyze musical styles and improvise. Improvisation led me to composition because it made me cognizant of the structure of a song, the importance of dynamics, and complex music theory. I may be an outsider, but I am aware of some of the rules.

One may think that I already know how to write songs and my study of the songwriting culture is unnecessary. I disagree completely because attempts to understand and cooperate with others brings about insights that would not be possible through individual effort. Thus, I hope my study of songwriters at Belmont University will produce a greater understanding of the songwriting process, writer’s block, and the captivating nature of songs.