tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6071791993443547032.post5785774066606995472..comments2012-04-08T13:58:53.781-07:00Comments on McLean Smith: Introduction for My Ethnographic StudyMcLean Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05388783456768309968noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6071791993443547032.post-66672846007413934862012-02-20T11:34:54.214-08:002012-02-20T11:34:54.214-08:00I think that you have found the perfect balance be...I think that you have found the perfect balance between the "outsider" and "insider" perspectives. Having some background in this study will benefit you because you will know where to go/who to talk to, so that you can produce an even more in-depth analysis. You were very personal, and I have more of an idea of who you are and why you want to dive into the world of songwriters. I don't know, however, who you are at Belmont. Are you a music major or some major other than songwriting? I think that it would be a good idea to record why you're at Belmont, and perhaps why you didn't pursue songwriting in the first place, so that the average reader doesn't think you're some creepy dude stalking the songwriting/commercial voice/composition majors. I think you would be perceived as more connected to the study that way. Your introduction is great, just try to add these things and maybe look at the "economics" sentence. I think it could be worded a little differently so that it greater defines the sentence after it. Great start!La Magnificahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07919970503153860626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6071791993443547032.post-73891633526747413742012-02-20T11:26:30.072-08:002012-02-20T11:26:30.072-08:00Good intro, you definitely have a focus and a good...Good intro, you definitely have a focus and a good idea of what you want to learn. you clearly identify the 5 w's and. You identify yourself with the question and how you fit into the picture very nicely. you provide a relatively good hook, that shows connection and emotion to the topic, which helps the reader want to connect and read more. overall, this is a very good quality into. Grammar wise, in your first paragraph you use tended to begin your sentences with adverbs and verbs, which made the sentence seem more passive. I would try to rearrange the words in that paragraph to make it seem more personal. You dropped this style after the first paragraph and i think that once you do the rearranging it will seem to flow and connect even better than it already does. Also, be careful about sentence length. There were a few spots where you had descriptions, especially in the beginning where it was just short statement after short statement. Try varying up the sentence length, to give it not such a choppy feel when reading it. I would suggest trying to incorporate multiple details into 1 sentence. this will help it flow, and bring more of a natural read to the paper. again, good job.Joel Harrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00900713690436804724noreply@blogger.com